Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. From the moment I first heard your heartbeat, to the moment where it was no longer. Something changed in me when I realized your heart was beating because of me. I was soon to be a mother one second, then the next, I wasn’t. Everything I thought I knew was out the window. The person I once was died and a new version of me was born. Two weeks went by where I lived the most life changing, most cherishable memories. The two weeks where I enjoyed how big you were growing each and every day. The two weeks where I was surrounded by an infinite amount of love and support that I ever could’ve asked for and more. The crazy thing about life is that anything can happen at any given moment. Everything can change in a matter of seconds, and you’re never really prepared until you have to be and even that’s not enough. Everyone says things happen for a reason, but when you’re in the position of trying to find it, life can seem so confusing and it leaves you desperate to find answers.
In the last year of my life, I experienced so many perspectives and emotions I never thought I would encounter. Feelings of excitement, despair, hope, heartbreak, disappointment, and endless love all in so little time. I was the lowest I have ever been and my mental health was depleting by the second. I didn’t know how to process everything I had just lost, and at my final point, I didn’t want to anymore. My mind was elsewhere, I couldn’t hold it together. I lost pieces of my heart that were irreplaceable. I didn’t have anyone else to blame but myself for all the heartache I endured. I drove people in and out of my life. I ruined friendships that were supposed to be forever. But most importantly, I hurt the person I loved the most in my life. I was extremely hard on myself and for days, I contemplated my entire existence and everything that drove me to the point I was at. I wasn’t scared of anything, what more was there to lose? But that’s what scared me the most. I felt defeated. I slowly saw myself outside my own body. I wasn’t me anymore.
By the grace of God I luckily had someone who was fearing for my life, and convinced me to get the help I needed before it was too late. Without her and without my Mom, I wouldn’t be here today. There’s a reason why I’m still on this earth. Even after a week of isolation and months of therapy sessions, I was still trying to figure out why God let me stay.
I say this with pride and joy that I was kept here to spread awareness and emphasize the importance of mental health. This is a real thing. Depression is a real thing. Anxiety is a real thing. Although I struggled with this most of my life, it almost got the best of me. Through this last year I was able to accumulate all the emotions and turn it into something that can potentially help someone who is struggling with their mental health. Check on your family, check on your friends, be kind to your neighbors, smile at a stranger. You truly don’t understand what the person next to you might be going through. For months I masked everything up pretending to be okay, even though I was far from it. Tell the people you care about that you love them. Send that text. Call them. They don’t answer? Leave a voicemail. There is not enough time in the 24 hours we are given each and every day, as tomorrow is never promised.
With all this, I appreciate you if you’ve gotten this far. I vowed to create a platform, a community where you can be heard. Where you can simply go for a listening ear. Where you find the resources you need to get help. I truly hope that you find the sincere meaning of my brand, twothreetwothree, to be more than just another clothing line. But a reminder that with faith, there’s no growth without struggle and no joy without pain.
Thank you times 2323.
with love always,
yazmin