KARMA kar·ma /ˈkärmə/ (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future
Someone once told me that I deserve all the bad things that ever happened to me. Someone also told me that they pray I become a better person. Then I was told nobody fucking likes me from a "close friend"…Of course I tried to explain myself but what was the point? Why was I trying to justify myself and my actions when their narrative of me was already published..Their words consumed me. I had sleepless nights to the point where I started believing what they told me. Was I really a bad person? Did I really deserve every single little bad experience I’ve ever encountered in my life? All the physical and emotional hurt, all the lies, all the betrayal? The chokehold my anxiety had over me? During the time that I was torn down with words of anger, my thoughts were drowned in the echoes of those dreadful comments. As soon as I regained any ounce of consciousness, I had no choice but to keep going. I couldn’t let myself sit in a pond of sorrow because ultimately they never really knew me. They didn’t know my heart, or should I say they never knew.. They never knew my intentions, even if I made them seem unclear. No human is perfect, but the light will always shine on the face of evil.
My healing journey has taught me that evil will present itself in your most vulnerable moments. I’ve become so vulnerable with every human I meet because I choose to see the good in them. I give the benefit of the doubt easily, even when it isn’t deserved. I’ve created relationships with all kinds of people, close ones at that. But all the short lived ones had the exact same thing in common. They were not for me. They never were. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition. BELIEVE those people when they show you who they are! They are showing you right there clear cut in daylight that they are not meant to be in your life. I’ve experienced relationships where they lied straight to my face, hid things from me, made me feel like I was in the wrong and because I wasn’t “understanding” their perspective. But I still went back when I should’ve left. I’ve been in situationships, pause because what the fuck is a situationship and why are these a thing!!!!! But fuck that because if someone wants to be with you THEY WILL. People know what they want. It’s night and day black and white. They either want you around and only you or they don’t and you’re not about to hide me behind closed doors. I’ve had friendships where I’ve been used for their own benefits. Friends who I really trusted to be in my life forever but left me at my lowest for even shorter lived relationships. I wanted them to be my person so bad. But no matter how much I prayed they would become my version of them, it was never going to happen. They constantly put me down and treated me beneath them. You can sense their energy is off from a mile a way. They get agitated easily and are always aggressive. You never know what version of them you'll get. Why on earth would ANYONE want to surround themselves with that kind of person? The smallest things trigger them, but will play off something life changing. I craved fulfillment from another human. But I was NEVER going to receive that because they were unfulfilled themselves. They misery lies dormant within them, forcing anyone around down with them too. But sticking around is doing more damage than good. It's hard for me to rip the band aid, but they're used to it so it's not a problem. They see no good and never will. I’ve been through some messy breakups all around and what they all had in common is that they were all egotistic, narcissistic, miserable humans. You simply cannot level with people like them. Let them win in their own world because at the end of the day they will always be on top in their eyes. The short term relationships have been my BIGGEST lessons learned but also the most challenging to overcome. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay, let them the fuck go. Stop trying so hard for half ass effort because you are not a half ass human. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today, and I’m STILL working. I will never stop. We all have something we need to work on, something to get better at mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I’m such a FIRM believer in Karma. Anything I’ve ever done wrong in my life, I’ve paid back instantly with Karma. Hit me square in the face. At one point it was so unbearable but looking back it had to happen. It had to happen so I can grow and move forward. Nobody deserves anything bad that ever happens to them, but I do believe that if you put out bad energy in the world, that energy will hit you with an uno reverse. Someone once told me that God will give you a front row ticket to the Karma that is waiting to be presented to those who had it coming. But I don’t need a front row ticket. You do wrong, wrong will find you. Wrong will come and show you why. I don’t need to pray for your downfall, Karma is taking care of it. I strayed away from my faith and God because I felt like he was too hard on me. That my Karma was unfair and unrighteous. I was so mad at God and I felt like he was mad at me. I would get on my knees praying to him and I felt as if he didn’t want to hear what I had to say anymore. That he was done with me. I spent nights screaming into my pillow asking him why he would put me through this. I would get anxious anytime anyone brought up religion. I would avoid any talks that surrounded faith, because I wasn’t ready for it. He was always ready for me, I had to allow myself to be ready. And through time I found him again, and helped me understand my Karma and come to terms with it.
I never understood why I attracted so many friendships and so many relationships that were so evil. From my experience, I truly believe the devil was trying to find its way in and out within these humans and it almost won. I persevered, I kept going even when it was the last thing I could do. I used to play around with my life as if I didn’t deserve it. And I will never allow myself to be in that space again. I still have my off days, but I’m in a better mindset and I’m always trying. I LOVE my life. I have SO MUCH I am going to do and have done. I am so happy with my life now I wouldn’t have ever said this, genuinely. The happiness radiates within me. I have my family that I LOVE so much. All my close friends know that I love them so much and they all know because I tell them everyday. I spent years full of love that I was trying to give out but now I spend every minute loving myself. I love myself so much, so unconditionally it’s so hard to describe. I’m so grateful for everyone who has left my life, because without that, I wouldn’t be here today, writing about how at peace I am. How I wake up every morning feeling so blessed I have a home, have food I can make when I open the refrigerator, and have hot, lasting water. Being able to physically move around and practice Yoga. Remaining HEALTHY. Getting to share this with all of you!! Things that I've constantly overlooked I've found to embrace, even in the tiniest moments. I guess this is just me saying that if you need to believe in something, believe in the goodness of yourself. I went so long lying to myself, but it only hurt me. You say you have good intentions then believe it. Radiate them! You’re only lying to yourself at the end and Karma will show up at your front door.
I know I went on a rant but I guess I just wanted to say thank you to all those people who showed me what it was like to experience trauma, hurt, and heartache. Without that I truly wouldn’t be who I am today. I am an amazing person. I deserve everything that I channel out and more. I love with every inch and ounce of my heart and soul. Faults or no faults. Past or no past, I am here. Still here lol. I have a vision for myself and I am truly living it. I am happy.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.
con amor siempre,
yazmin